Letting Them Fly Free

Patriarchal system
I am of European descent. Not many generations ago, the European patriarchal system was the system by which most families functioned. In those days it was customary that the man was not only the head of the family but also the controller of the family. Many families had loving and caring fathers but there were also many that were cruel and abusive, controlling their wives and children for their own gain. I am thankful that both of my grandfathers were for the most part loving and caring. Yes, they were influenced by the thought of their day but certainly not controllers. My great grandfathers on my father’s side are the only ones I know much about. My mother’s grandparents died young so I know little about them. The great grandfathers I knew about were also gentle and loving men, at least by the time I came around. One wonders what kind of husbands and fathers they were but there is no way to unlock those secrets today. My father is a gentle and caring man. He has had two wives; my mother and my stepmother and has treated both of them with the highest of respect. I don’t recall their being any hard and fast rules of control in our home with my dad and my mother. God’s rules were upheld, but not forced. Fortunately, I found a husband that is willing to be the head of our family but is not controlling in any way. I don’t think I would have done well with a controlling husband. I know some women who are of my generation who have husbands with my ancestry. Some of those men aren’t happy unless they have the wife and/or their children under control. I have observed that the control is often things of little importance. One example is that many wives in our area who are of my generation may not drive north of Route #30. (Approximately twenty miles north) The first time I heard that limitation, I was shocked. My father taught me to drive all over the United States. This was a ludicrous thought to me. Is the concern that the wife isn’t safe north of Route #30 or is it because she may not be home enough or perhaps she may find things north of #30 that wouldn’t be good for her or the family? I also know of husbands who control what their wives eat and what they wear. Do they not know their wives have brains? I suppose one hears a bit of rebellion in me. I don’t think it is rebellion because I have freedom in my relationship but I can predict that if I had been in a relationship with such a man, father or husband, I would have rebelled. I thank God for those graces in my life. What I have found over the course of my life is that those husbands and sometimes both fathers and mothers try so hard to control the family end life with devastating results. Control leads to rebellion. Wives resent their husbands, children resent parents and they live unhappily ever after. One rule we always lived by while our children were growing up was to hold them in our hands with space between our fingers. We wanted them to know they were safe with us but we gave them space to be discovering whom God had made them to be. I truly believe that is the way God would have it because it doesn’t take any trust in God to exercise control. Control trusts self and one’s own power. It takes trust when we open our hands and ask God to do what we can’t do for our spouses and our children. I think those are good rules by which to live in all relationships. During her teen years our daughter hung a poster in her bedroom that said, "If you really want something, let it fly free. If it returns to you, you will know it really belongs to you." Letting "it" fly free is the challenge. Help us in all our relationships, God.