Confession Time

I am ever reminded of the depravity of my soul when I think of my lack of integrity. Yes, people would call me honest but only I know my heart and my heart isn't always full of integrity. The first time I remember having this problem was when I was about four or five and I accompanied my dad to the town grocery store. The owner of that store, Bill Swart, was a good friend of my grandfather, my dad's dad. My dad had gone to school with Bill's kids and so the families were close. I recall sharing that warm feeling of friendship when we entered the store and Bill called a "Hello, Jim" to my dad. Walking the aisles that morning, a strong desire for a pack of gum came over me. I knew it was useless to ask my dad for such a frivilous thing because that just wasn't something my parents felt was necessary for their kids. Gum cost money and it was full of sugar and would rot our teeth. So I chose to take matters into my own hands.

When we got home, I popped a stick of gum in my mouth and was enjoying that fresh burst of flavor when my mother asked, "Gayle, where did you get the gum?" I had been had. I wasn't smart enough at that time to worm out of looking guilty. That was a skill I learned as time went on. My mother was really angry with me. After producing the hot goods, she and I were in the car in a flash and off to town we went. The humilation of walking into Bill Swart's store to confess my theft lingers with me yet today. Over the counter, I handed Bill what was left of the pack of gum and paid him for it to boot. I'm sure both my parents suffered humilation also because their eldest child had betrayed the family friends. Yuk, that isn't a good memory.

Then there was that plastic cup on the shelf in my dad's closet. It held the change that Dad would empty his pockets of the night before when he came home from work. I was a bit older than five by the time I learned of this gold mine. If confession means real confession, I would have to admit I was in junior or early high school by this time. I have always had an addiction to sugar and graved candy. If I could get sneak enough change out of that tupperware glass, I could meander over to the store across from school and get a chocolate candy bar. Nothing satisfies like chocolate. My theory remains to this day that if it isn't chocolate, it isn't worth the calories. Anyway, I ate many chocolate bars that were purchased with the money I stole from my dad's plastic glass. Actually, that wasn't just stealing from the glass, that was stealing from my father. My head falls in humilty. I confessed that to my youngest brother (twelve years younger than me) and he said, "Don't feel so bad, we all did that". He has a way of making me feel better.

I didn't like being a girl until I was an older teen. The things in a boy's world intrigued me much more than dolls and buggies. I loved the speed of cars, toy trains and bebe guns. My brother had a bebe gun that I envied. Because I was a GIRL, I didn't get to use that gun. One day, everyone but me was gone. This was my day in the sun. I found the bebe gun and went out in the yard and walked around like a big shot (no pun intended). I cocked that thing and shot out into the air. Now that was a great feeling of power. As I was emptying that gun of its bebe's, one of the shots had a devastating ring to it. Upon further investigation, I saw that I had shot a bebe through the storm window in the dining room.

Now shooting the dining room window was not the real sin. The real sin was that I let my brother take the fall for that one. I don't remember what consequence he got for my behavior but I didn't confess that one until about five years ago. It bothered me for all of those years and one wonders why it would take that long to come clean. I think it is because I realize what a lousy sister and daughter I was for not confessing. I realized I was sinning all along. Yuk, I don't like that memory either. I know some people laugh about stunts they pulled as kids that were wrong. But I don't laugh at these things in my past. They indicate a need for redemption. My redemption. These tendencies in my to be selfish, to want what doesn't belong to me, to steal, to lie..........they are still there and I hang my head in shame.

In Romans, Paul tells us that this is the state of the human condition. "All have sinned and fallen short of God's glory". That means that we as God's children have humiliated Him, too. Each time we choose to do something he doesn't want us to do, we make him sad. I don't know what that does to you, but that springs tears in my eyes. The bright side of all this is Jesus. God sent Jesus to pay for that stolen gum, the stolen coins and my betrayal. All He asks from us is confession. Confession is good for the soul, they say. The truth of the matter is that confession is necessary for salvation. So, today, I lift my fraility to the Father of mercy and grace and ask for His forgiveness. It feels good to have the weight of sin's guilt lifted. I recall how good it felt to confess the broken window incident to my father and my brother. We were all together for a holiday and I finally got up the courage to tell them. They both laughed and told me I was forgiven. The weight of my sin was off and I was free. That is how it is when we confess our sins to God, also. The weight is off and we are free. My advice is not to carry it as long as I did. The weight of guilt takes its toll on one emotionally, spiritually and physically. Thanks to Jesus who makes us clean before the Father.